Monday 24th November

Well hello there grills and bouys!

Will keep this brief as its 4 am and I ma little squiffy. Scratch that, I’m totally PICKLED! Thank God four spell checker or I wood be in a right messy.

Bean an AMAZING day and you know it mustard been good cos the girls came two and they sleep all the ducking time. We’ve gone and did the Neighbours Tour! We saw Ramsey Street, reel name ‘Pin Oak Court’, and it was TINY! We played around with a cricket set outside the Kennedy’s old house, cos apparently they did it once in the opening credits, and everyone was giddy with excrement! Afterwards, the GORGEOUS bus driver took us to the TV studios where I met HAROLD FLICKING BISHOP who turned up on set even though he hasn’t been on the show for donkeys and I was totally star struck and everything. We chatted, “Hello Mr Bishop!”, “Young man, call me Ian”, which I thought was weird cos his name is Harold, and I might’ve accidentally groped him when we hugged for a photo. Haha! Backpackers swap stories of this man at these events and rumour has it he was once heckled by a drunk who asked him, “Dude, why are you so fat?” to which the LEG END replied, “Because every time I fracked your mum she gave me a biscuit.” HAHAHAHA!

After, we drove through the Dandelion Ranges and stopped for a ‘barbie’ up a mountain and fed some PARROTS. We then spent an hour trying to untangle them from Rachel’s hair as they thought it was a bird’s nest which is an easy mistake to make and the FIT driver had to pull a struggling budgie from one of Rachel’s matted plaits and she screamed and it was HILARIOUS! The driver then had to divert for petrol cos he had ‘run dry’ and I told Bev I’d never run dry with him in my seat and made her squirt fanta from her nose and burp sausage AT THE SAME TIME!

Later, back in our hostel room, we found weed been invaded by the bloody GERMANS. They dropped over-sized luggage onto two of Rachel’s spare beds, looked us up and down and declared, “Zees room is very small, ya?” before marching out in formation and leaving three very put out Poms. Luckily, we had a box of wine each to cheer us up. Yes, an ACTUAL BOX. We’ve discovered this cubed alcoholic delicacy at the local Bottle-O and have named it Chateaux Cardboard. It’s like drinking an ADULT CAPRI-SUN! AND you can stack a load of them in a corner and make a wine wall. Amazeballs. It’s cheaper than bottled water – 4 litres for a couple dollar! Rachel tells me I’m a total TIGHT ARSE for buying it but she doesn’t realise that being a Gay I take that as a compliment. HAHA!

I’m just back from a pub crawl (can ya tell?) which ended with a ‘comedy’ night at the ‘La La Lounge’ which was funny as he’ll when it wan’t aimed at me. I left the girls and their tongues introducing themselves to the locals and they probably haven’t noticed I’ve gone. I walked home with an unusually crunchy chicken donners. Who needs friends when you’ve got food, right. Or abs when you’ve got kebabs! Stuff them. They’re probably getting laid now. Wish I was getting laid now. OR stuffed. Where’s that fit driver when you need him? Did I tell you he was fit? OI OI SAVALOY!

Oh god I’m so piste. Soz.

Kind retards,

Kiev

xxxxxxxxx

P.S. This spell-checker is ducking shut.
Replies to you lot:

Mum – WTF! You want me to SKYPE THE DOG?!

Dad – Yeah, I’ll watch my drinking. I’ll find a pub with a mirror. TUT

Michael – You’ve been snogging people!

Sis – I KNOW you haven’t watched Neighbours since Bouncer the dog had a dream, but I’m not old enough to remember it so there. Neighbours is still awesome.

Gavin – Any other news? See below.

Paul – About time!

New York Nick – Happy Thanksgiving to you too! I’m thankful for the fact I haven’t thrown up yet! Oops could a spoke too soon…