Monday 19th November

Well hello there grills and bouys!

Will keep this brief as its 4 am and I ma little squiffy. Scratch that, I’m totally PICKLED! Thank God four spell checker or I wood be in a right messy.

Bean an AMAZING day and you know it mustard been good cos the girls came two and they sleep all the ducking time. We’ve gone and did the Neighbours Tour! We saw Ramsey Street (reel name ‘Pin Oak Court’) and it was TINY! We played around with a cricket set outside the Kennedy’s house cos apparently they did it once in the opening credits, and everyone was giddy with excrement! Then the GORGEOUS bus driver took us to the TV studios where I met HAROLD FLICKING BISHOP who turned up on set and I was totally star struck and everything. We chatted, “Hello Mr Bishop!”, “Young man, call me Ian”, which I thought was weird cos his name is Harold, and I might’ve accidentally groped him when we hugged for a photo but it was just banter. Haha! Backpackers swap legendary stories of this man at local Meat and Greets and rumour has it he was once heckled by a drunk who shouted “dude, why are you so fat?” to which the LEG END replied, “Because every time I fracked your mum she gave me a biscuit.” HAHAHAHA!

Then we drove through the Dandelion Ranges and stopped for a Barbie up a mountain and fed some PARROTS. We then spent an hour trying to untangle them from Rachel’s hair as they thought it was a bird’s nest which is an easy mistake to make and the FIT driver had to pull a struggling budgie from one of Rachel’s matted plaits and she screamed and it was HILARIOUS! The driver then had to divert for petrol cos he had run dry and I told Bev “I’d never run dry with him in my seat” and made her squirt fanta from her nose and burp sausage AT THE SAME TIME!

Back in our hostel room tonight, we found weed been invaded by the bloody GERMANS. They heaved big luggage onto two of Rachel’s spare beds, looked us up and down and declared, “Zees room is very small, ya?” before marching out in formation and leaving three very put out Poms. Luckily, we had a box of wine each to cheer us up. Yes, an ACTUAL BOX. We discovered this cubed alcoholic delicacy at the local ‘Bottle-O’ off license and have named it Chateaux Cardboard. It’s like ADULT CAPRI-SUN! AND it stacks nicely in a corner to make a wine wall. A WALL of WINE! It’s cheaper than bottled water n all and Rach says tells me I’m a TIGHT ARSE for buying it but she doesn’t realise that being a Gay I take that as a compliment. HAHAHA!

Just back from a pub crawl which ended with a comedy night which was funny as he’ll and I was even part of the act! After, I left the girls and their tongues introducing themselves to the locals and walked home with an unusually crunchy chicken donner. Who needs friends when you’ve got food, right? Stuff em! They’re probably getting laid now. Wish I was getting laid now. OR stuffed. Where’s that fit driver when you need him? Did I tell you he was fit? OI OI SAVALOY!

Oh god I’m so piste. Soz.

Kind retards,

Kiev

xxxxxxxxx

P.S. This spell-checker is ducking shut.

Replies to you lot:

Mum – WTF! You want me to SKYPE THE DOG?!

Dad – Yeah, I’ll watch my drinking. I’ll find a pub with a mirror. HAAA. Whatevs.

[SENT VIA THE FRIENDLY BACKPACKER PUBLIC COMPUTER]