Sunday 18th November

I woke up in my bunk in the exact same position I’d collapsed into it in about twelve hours earlier. Three puffs on that spliff and I’d been ready to puke. I’d staggered into bed in a cold sweat and spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, convinced that Tetris blocks were lowering themselves at my face. I can still hear the theme music.

When I finally emerged from my drug-den at midday, I found my favourite Scot waiting for me out on the beanbags.

“I g-g-gotta joke for you. H-h-how did Jesus m-m-ake tea?”

I shrugged. I had a furry tongue and couldn’t bring myself to care.

“He-hebrews it!”

With a grin that was infectious, he handed me a cup of tea that he’d made especially. It was cold as he’d been waiting for me to emerge for hours. I drunk it to be polite.

“Not that I’m saying I’m-m Jesus!” he suddenly panicked.

As a thank you for yesterday’s heart-to-heart he wanted to make me breakfast. He was polite enough not to point out I’d got up at lunchtime.

“I kin only c-c-coook p-p-pancakes, that ok?” 

His p-p-pancakes were m-m-minging, but I ate them anyway because no one has ever cooked for me before other than Mum, and Dad’s microwave. It was a sweet thing to do, but the same couldn’t be said for the pancakes as he used salt instead of sugar.

An hour later, we were squeezed into another dark corner, only this time we were looking at Sydney apartments on the hostel’s lone computer. No, we weren’t planning on moving in together, that would be a bit quick even for me (besides, I’d already asked and he’d said no). Instead, he was helping me figure out where the girls and I should travel to next. If I left it up to them we’d probably never leave the room, let alone the city.

We studied a map. Outside of the big Australian cities there seems to be very few places that would have enough shopping malls to keep the girls interested. Just countless teeny tiny towns with ridiculous names like Tittybong, Woolloomooloo, and Yorkey’s Knob.

“Hehe. Knob,” I chuckled, pointing it out to Hamish. He smiled politely.

To the west of us, Adelaide offers backpackers festivals, beaches, and a long coastal trip to Perth. In the centre, Alice Springs sits surrounded by desert and is where I could walk in the high heeled footsteps of ‘Priscilla, Queen of the Desert’. At the northern tip, Darwin is well into monsoon season and offers temperatures that would see Rachel reapplying her eyebrows on an hourly basis. That could be fun to see. Or we could go east, where we’d hit Canberra and Sydney, before travelling up the coast to Queensland.

“Hmm… Queens Land.” I gave him a nudge. “That sounds like somewhere we’d both fit in. Maybe I’ll go there next. Wanna come?”

Hamish shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Maybe you can get guidance from another source?” he suggested, gesturing the heavens.

“Ooh, interesting idea. I could ask everyone back home the next time I send an email. Make our trip a bit ‘interactive’. Great idea.”

I knew he was talking about God but that’s just super awkward.

A flashy advert popped onscreen promoting the Sydney mardi-gras next March. It showed two topless hunks and a lesbian apparently having an orgasm whilst sharing a series of rainbow hula-hoops. Hamish audibly gulped and stood up to go. Then he paused.

“Um… Wanna go to the c-c-cinema later?” he blurted.

“Ooh, do you mean on a date?”  I waggled my eyebrows suggestively. “Back row I hope!”

He kinda went a bit green.

9.15pm

That g-g-git only went and brought some friends with him. He’d turned up at the cinema closely flanked by Irish Karen and a northern lass called Nina, who I have imaginatively named Northern Nina. At first I thought it was a double date, because Karen has more than a whiff of mannish about her and likes to wear a dungaree, but she pulled me aside and laid down the law.

“We’re here to watch you, English,” she hissed. “He’s confused and vulnerable, so don’t be takin advantage.” 

Fortunately, it doesn’t take a great deal to give me a thrill nowadays, so when Hamish slipped his hand into mine under the safety of darkness, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt as excited. I was surprised when people cheered and the film finished because I hadn’t taken any of it in. Seem Aussies are quite vocal in the cinema. I hate that.

I’m now heading over the road to meet them at the bar where Nina works and I’m hoping it will lead to my first ever lock-in and a happy ending. Maybe I’ll get drunk enough to think getting naked in front of someone is a good thing, and maybe Hamish will get drunk enough to let me.

Having nipped back to our room to ‘freshen up’ (ie, change my undies and give myself a quick rub down with a wet wipe for good luck), I found Bev and Rachel asleep in their bunks wearing yesterday’s clothes. I don’t know where they’ve been or when they got back, but I do know I might as well be doing this trip on my own.

3.25am

Just back from drinkies. Bit tiddled. Night started promising cos he put his hand on my knee and kept it there FOR THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER but when I walked him back to his room LIKE A TOTAL GENTLEMAN and he shut the door in my face without so much as A PECK ON THE PENIS! That’s just rude!